Thunderbolt Grease Slapper

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Well Hotdoggers, Gerty has been crankin' the wrenchs all afternoon. With the Tour De Pork coming up quick, it's been a mad dash to the starting line. Tom has been no help only pokin' his nose in occasionally, although he's been seen frequently at the local Boz's scarfing down a frankfurter or two. Gerty still needs a drive chain and to finish the brakes. So remember, there's no such word as stop when ya got no brakes...
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Stay tuned... Dogs are barkin'...

Merle.

Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
 
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Gerty is hot. "Tom boy!" she says, "This bike isn't made for 14 speeds!" "Right now it's got 6 out of 7 on the back and you have to change the front ring manually..." "It's got rudimentary brakes, meaning don't powerslide into any hot dog venders. I expect you to gain a few pounds during this first leg, so I put a springer on for ya."

Well fans you heard it here first. The Grease Slapper may be held together with zip ties and rust but it's almost ready for the Tour De Pork... I'm wondering if those 700x35c wheelsets are gonna hold up to a full on hot dog eating deluge...

Merle.
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Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
 
After the first leg of the Tour De Pork, Tom Slick told Gerty to swap out the bars. Too many hot dogs to be using the drop bars...

Merle.
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Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
 
And here's an update on the first leg of the Tour De Pork. 27 riders in single competion bunched up pretty close until they got to the first hotdog vendor. Baron Otto Mattic put most of his dogs in his pockets and took an early lead departing the first stand. But with no verification on dogs eaten. He also took an early penalty. So after four hours of 1.5 mile laps and stopping at a vendor every lap, the field has split into two groups, those with quicker times and those who have eaten more hotdogs. Unbelievably, Tom started out leading the group eating the most franks but he has also quietly moved right up behind the leaders of the second group with the quickest times. That's without the complicated scoring algorithm! Stay tuned for the second leg of the Tour De Pork, when we find out just how good a lubricant bacon grease really is...

Merle.

Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
 
GuitarlCarl said:
And here's an update on the first leg of the Tour De Pork. 27 riders in single competion bunched up pretty close until they got to the first hotdog vendor. Baron Otto Mattic put most of his dogs in his pockets and took an early lead departing the first stand. But with no verification on dogs eaten. He also took an early penalty. So after four hours of 1.5 mile laps and stopping at a vendor every lap, the field has split into two groups, those with quicker times and those who have eaten more hotdogs. Unbelievably, Tom started out leading the group eating the most franks but he has also quietly moved right up behind the leaders of the second group with the quickest times. That's without the complicated scoring algorithm! Stay tuned for the second leg of the Tour De Pork, when we find out just how good a lubricant bacon grease really is...

Merle.

Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
Click to expand...
What is getting lubed with bacon grease, the Grease Slapper or Tom's innards?

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
 
SpikeFC said:
Wow, Gerty, where one can get that contraption that allows you to have V-Brake pivots on any frame?
Click to expand...
I cut that horseshoe off of a cheap front suspension fork. Added a small L bracket to the mount at the fender bolt hole in the bridge. Works very well.

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Gerty.
 
Late nite update race fans and patina chasers... After the first leg Tom requested cruiser bars as the tourer drops were hard on his hotdog stuffed belly. Well, Gerty took one look at Tom's weight gain and pulled the springer off too. "The Thunderbolt Grease Slapper doesn't need your fat butt breaking anymore parts, I still remember the pie eating and ramp jumping debacle you put it thru last year!" She said. So we have a behind the scenes garage shot of the Grease Slapper ready to go out into the second leg of the Tour De Pork, The Bacon Trials.
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Merle.

Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
 
Alright Weekend Warriors, as we head into Friday evening, all around nice guy, albeit 20 pounds heavier, Tom Slick is studying up on the second leg of the Tour, known as the Bacon Trials. Yep, it's a time trial, and this time it's all downhill. Literally. Starting at the top of Potbelly Hill, our racers will make their way to the bottom while their pit crews fry up a 1 lb slab of bacon. When they reach the bottom they will then jam on the brakes sliding across the bacon grease slathered on to the track ahead of them. Scoring will be the timed descent multiplied by the length of the skid, squared.
Here's hoping Marigold and Gerty can get all the bacon fried up before Tom reaches the bottom of the hill. If not he'll have precious seconds added while he waits and then have to make do with a 100 yd dash to the bacon grease slide!

Merle.
 
I believe I've seen this episode.

In preparation for the race Gerty said to Tom, "Don't eat anything fatty."
Tom replied, "What - no bacon or sausages or hot dogs or anything?"
Marigold said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
 
Well bacon fanciers and heavyweight bike fans, the second leg of the Tour De Pork was completed yesterday. The Thunderbolt Grease Slapper wasn't in first heading into it, but wasn't in last either. Actually depending on the math, all around nice guy and junior astronaut Tom Slick, was in third and fifth simultaneously and in this section of the race, a later start may be to the cyclist's advantage. The more bacon grease on the track the longer the skid.

And so after penalty points were assigned Baron Otto Mattic, lifelong cheater and just plain bad guy, was in fourth place, Tom Slick won the coin toss and was slotted into fifth (which was really fourth after vacating third moving the Baron up too!) down Potbelly Hill they went each in their turn and by the time they got to the fifth (fourth) spot the lanes at the bottom of the hill had become pretty greasy, bacon greasy. Rollie Ryder, holding the pole position beat his bacon fryers to the bottom and had to wait 15 seconds while they finished pouring out his bacon drizzle. After a quick 100 yd dash he laid down an impressive skid. A mechanical problem combined with allergies, temporarily sidelined our second place racer, Pat Sneezel. So Baron Otto Mattic began his descent. His wrenchman got the bacon fried up and somehow greased the track just in time (foul play I'm sure...) The hot grease and the decision to run bald tires with the hope of slipping by the other racers, put Baron Otto in a precarious position. The skid was good but the speed and handling were compromised leaving Baron Otto Mattic seconds behind Ryder's penalized time....

Merle.

Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
 
All around nice guy and bacon fanatic, Tom Slick had decided to continue running the skinny 700x35c tires thinking he'd be able to slid on the top of the bacon drippings maintaining his momentum from the run down Potbelly Hill. With his newly fabbed seatpost (able to hold his increased weight) and vintage Schwinn seat, Tom rolled down the hill in style with very little effort, giving Marilyn and Gerty plenty of time to spread the bacon fat on the track ahead of him. So just as they were finishing up, Tom and the Thunderbolt Grease Slapper blasted down the last 200 yards in a sprint that even Olympic medalists would have been proud of. Tom's weight from the hotdog scarfing first leg added to the multiple layers of bacon grease poured on the track, gave him the impetus he needed. "There's no such word as flayel when skidding on bacon grease." yelled Tom as he executed a sweet skid right past the frying stations and first aid booth, out the track entrance and into traffic. Word has it that if not for the quick thinking of a passing rubber band and mattress salesman, Tom would still be skidding.

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Merle.

Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
 
handyandy1100 said:
Looks like the Thunderbolt Grease Slapper is still dripping bacon grease on the sidewalk! [emoji16]

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
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Very astute observation!
Exactly why it was parked there.

Merle.

Sent from the edge of an alternate universe...
 
I overheard a conversation between Gerty Growler and Tom Slick and it went something like this... "Tom, you do know what's ahead of you on this third and final leg of the Tour De Pork..." Silence. "Boy this is gonna be some hard work." Silence. "Well I'm gonna to start changing the wheel set on the Grease Slapper and change out the headset bearings. Do you have any thing to note about the performance so far?" Silence, for a moment and then, "Gerty there's no such word as stank in your average bicycle race, but this is the Tour De Pork. I'm gonna need an air cleaner."

I wonder what he's talking about?

Merle.
 
For connoisseurs and baconators alike, the final leg of the Tour De Pork seems to be part "swamp bog" for lack of a term better suited to those with refined tastes. It seems there is a stretch of the final 25 mile ride that veers thru a large hog farm, specifically the "pig pens". Additional points for the muck accumulated at the farm. Get out your clothes pins and Vicks vaporub, and those of you following along at home be grateful there's no such word as smellovision in bicycle racing.

Merle.
 

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